Leaked Amazon Memo Suggests AI Will Replace 600,000 Jobs

Forget about the zombie apocalypse - the real danger is a robot takeover at Amazon! According to some leaked internal memos, the giant online retailer is trading in human employees for shiny, super-efficient machines that don't need coffee breaks or argue about the thermostat. The future of Amazon warehouses looks less like a bustling workplace and more like a scene from a science-fiction movie where robots run everything. While the company claims it's just trying to be more efficient, these documents reveal the bots are ready to "flatten the hiring curve," which is a terrifyingly robotic way of saying, "We don't need you anymore, flesh bags!"

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Here are Five Fast Facts about Amazon's robot revolution:

1. 🤖 It All Began When... - The e-comm empire bought a robotics company called Kiva Systems for $775 million in 2012 (since rebranded to Amazon Robotics). Little did we know...

2. 📈 Massive Growth - Despite being the world's largest retailer now, by the year 2033 Amazon's goal is to sell twice as many products as it does today! This could mean 600,000 future jobs...except that the company hopes to replace every single one of those positions with a robot instead. It wants 75% of its entire warehouse operation automated in the future. No word on how much they save by needing fewer bathroom stalls.

3. 💰 Big Savings - Switching from future human workers to robots would save Amazon about 30 cents per item purchased, proving that human feelings are officially worth less than a stick of gum.

4. 🤥 It's All In The Spin - To make the takeover sound nicer, Amazon executives are reportedly being told to stop using scary words like "automation" and "AI" and use the friendlier, cuddlier term "cobot" instead (as in, "your helpful little robotic co-worker – cobot – who just stole your job"). But don't worry, they're also going to ramp up community picnics to soften the sting because nothing says "sorry you lost your job" like free hot dogs.

5. 👀 Copycats Await - If successful, this could spark a copycat craze at companies like Walmart and UPS, who also have massive shipping, storage, and logistics operations. 

🔥Bottom line: So, the next time you order something from Amazon, just know that robots are likely fulfilling it. While Amazon wants us to believe these "cobots" are our friends, these memos make it clear they are quietly organizing to flatten the hiring curve like a steamrolled pancake over the next decade. You'd better start brushing up on your robotics coding skills now, because in a few years, your best bet for a job might be applying to be a robot's personal oil-can cleaner!

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