The Best Communist Tailgate Ever

It's football season, and that means it's also tailgating season! And here in the nation of Communistan, we're going to party like it's the 20th century! As this pamphlet clearly says, there's plenty of everything, so step right up and grab some grub before you head into the game!

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Here are Five Fast Facts on throwing the best Communist tailgate ever!

1. 🍔 Where's The Beef? - The iconic centerpiece of every good tailgate, that oh-so-juicy grilled meat, is in plentiful supply...except for right here in Communistan, where the Party just cleaned us out. You get half a brat. AND YOU'LL LOVE IT.

2. 🧀 Cut The Cheese - Need a warm, melty topping for your half-brat? Good news! Actual cheese has been requisitioned for the government, but here's a packet of cheese powder...just add water and enjoy! If you don't like that, then feel free to eat your foam hat, you ingrate.

3. 🍞 What Lines? - Check out the rest of the tailgate buffet, we've got lots of great stuff! No, there’s no bread (there's a line for that, and it's only a few hours long right now). Or potatoes. Or butter, but that's seriously it. Well, except for vegetables...and eggs and fish. Stop complaining, hunger builds character.

4. ⛽ Fuel Is Fantasy - Got an empty gas tank? Good thing you've got two functional legs - exercise is good for you, anyway! Even better is the workout you get when carrying all your tailgating supplies on your walk!

5. 🍺 Thirst Non-Quencher - Pass the vodka, Comrade! Haha, just kidding - all the alcohol is gone, too, but here's a warm cup of water with some floaties in it. Woo-hoo, party on...

🔥Bottom line: Thankfully, Communistan isn't a real place, but history shows us Communism is about as much fun as tailgating with a mean vegan who holds a grudge (or maybe less, but you get the point). In the end, Communist tailgating teaches the purest form of team spirit: everyone shares the same empty plate, the same endless wait, and the same miserable realization that the actual victory is surviving the party without ever eating or drinking anything. At least you don't have to worry about someone stealing your cooler. There's nothing in it, anyway.

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So maybe let's be thankful for what we've got. Now, pass me a (real) cold one, fire up the grill (with real meat), and let's watch some (real) football!

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What’s your best tailgate move?

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